I have now done three days of Lupron shots. I’d done one sub-cutaneous Ovidrel trigger for our one-and-only (and in retrospect, pointless) IUI, so this wasn’t my very first self-injection, but I was somewhat nervous anyway. Luckily the insulin needles used for the Lupron are tiny and I can barely feel the shots, so it’s not too bad. In a funny way, I almost look forward to the shot every morning–it feels like one step closer to our baby/ies. I haven’t had any side effects so far, but I know that could still happen. (I have had a few headaches, but that is probably more related to my attempts to cut down on coffee than anything else!)
I’m on 20 units of Lupron per day for 10 days, which, based on my (obsessive) blog and other reading, seems high. I won’t even start stims until after the 10 days on Lupron, and then I’ll stay on 5 units of Lupron throughout stims (I think). And my stim dosage is the lowest I’ve ever seen–starting at only 50 IU of Gonal-F and 75 of Menopur. I know Dr. E is really really worried about OHSS for me–I’ve got an AMH of 27 and an antral follicle count of well over 80. But I’m worried about not getting any eggs. I didn’t respond to Clomid at all and never ovulated on it. I did ovulate on Femara but not until CD 18, and with a trigger shot. They were close to canceling the cycle for non-response. So starting at such a low dose of stims seems scary to me. I know they can increase the dosage as we go, but what if it’s too late? I won’t even have an estradiol draw until stim day 4–if there’s no response by then could it be too late? I am trying to trust the doctor but it makes me nervous. I do know that the first cycle of IVF is considered something of a diagnostic cycle–and we did the Attain program with this in mind–but I am worried nonetheless.
To make things even more difficult, C and I are throwing a couples baby shower tomorrow for some good friends of ours. They got pregnant accidentally before their wedding (they were engaged at the time and are married now). I like them both a lot, and I am happy for them–they had planned on starting to try for a baby immediately after the wedding, so the surprise pregnancy, although not ideally timed, was good news. I have had a hard time being around them ever since finding out, though. This is partly related to how I found out, which was difficult. Last fall, we were all at an Oktoberfest event, and I noticed that the wife (then fiancee) wasn’t drinking. This was unusual for her–she always drinks at social events–and particularly strange at an Oktoberfest event, which is focused on drinking! I also asked her about her wedding dress shopping (since she was about three months out from her wedding at the time) and she said she hadn’t bought one yet because she didn’t know what she would fit into at the time of the wedding. This was weird–she’s a very thin woman, and her weight hasn’t fluctuated noticeably at all in the few years that I’ve known her. So the next morning, I commented to C in passing that I wondered if she was pregnant. He immediately looked guilty, and said “she is.” He admitted that he’d known for more than a month, and hadn’t told me. He said that the husband hadn’t wanted anyone to know. This was so hurtful to me–hurtful that C would keep a secret from me at all, and especially hurtful given the subject matter, when we have been struggling with infertility for so long. Since then, C has continued to defend his actions here, saying that this wasn’t his secret to share, and that he promised his friend that he would keep this a secret. I generally disagree with asking people to keep secrets from their spouses, and am of the opinion that any secret you share with a married person will generally be shared with his or her spouse too. And particularly here, I think that C should have told me so that I wasn’t blindsided by it–I wouldn’t have told anyone and I would have appreciated him confiding in me. I am still angry with him when I think about it.
Anyway, the shower is tomorrow, and C has, as usual, been essentially no help (although we are officially throwing the shower together, and it’s a couples shower). He is going out with friends tonight to watch basketball, even though I told him that I felt that we needed to stay home and get ready for tomorrow’s shower. I asked him to pick up groceries for the shower today, but he can’t, since he plans on drinking so much while out with friends this evening that he will have to leave his car overnight. So I can add driving him to pick up his car to tomorrow’s to-do list.
I hate complaining about my husband, particularly in public, but I have just been so frustrated with him recently. He just will not do anything to help around the house without me prodding and nagging, and he acts like it is a huge inconvenience when he does so. (This is despite the fact that I work significantly more than he does, and contribute more to our household income. Nonetheless, I do all shopping, cooking, cleaning and errands, as well as managing our finances and walking the dogs.) And I’ll get ready for this shower tonight while he goes out drinking.